Thursday, 21 July 2011

Personality Crisis

Tomorrow, I’m escaping the world of hotel boating for a few days to meet my fellow merchant navy cadets at an Outward Bound weekend in Cumbria. Exciting, right? I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages, actually – there are plenty of reasons but none more surprising than the fact I really, really want to mess about in the mud and (probable) rain and expound loads of energy on assault courses and the like. Surprising because I’ve never thought of myself as that type... but it’s funny how people change. A guest on Tranquil Rose said to me a while ago, after I explained what the weekend was about, “Oh, doesn’t sound like my kind of thing, but you’d love that, wouldn’t you?” Would I? Yeah, I would. How do YOU know that? In this job I must come across as quite active and sporty. Goes with the job to an extent, but you see plenty of unfit people on the canals. Within the first few weeks of the season someone asked (in all seriousness) if I was in training for the Olympics. OK, it was by a doddery old lady who marvelled at us walking over lock gates, but still. I think I give off an impression that I never have before, which is slightly mystifying. This week I was described as hard-working and disciplined. I laughed and immediately told someone who knows me pretty well. “You are,” came the reply. Oh. Really? Nah, I can’t be. I’m lazy and I don’t like working. Do I? Shit, maybe I do.

Anyway, my point was this – people CHANGE, man. Fundamentally. I’ve changed, without realising. I’m not the person I was. I love how motivated I feel about everything now, and I’m not sure whether it’s getting older or this sudden change in career path or the people I choose to spend my time with or a combination of everything, but I wish I’d bloody noticed. I wish I’d decided one day to change, and worked towards it, instead of all of this happening behind my back (is “inside” behind one’s back? Depends which way you’re coming from).

This weekend is supposed to let us learn about the company, each other, and ourselves. The company I am intrigued by, not having any work experience in the sector. Everyone else, I’m really happy to be meeting. And I hope, by the time I return on Tuesday, I will feel a lot more comfortable with the way and the speed at which my personality seems to be shifting.

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